The first impression you make can last a long time, so make sure you do it right. Here, with this first date advice, we will talk about seven good things to be aware of and prepare for so you can make your first date more of a success!
1. Not being yourself.
- Pretty self-explanatory, but knowing what your limits are, and who you are, will help you keep grounded. Knowing who you are will help you feel that you don’t have to show a certain front and not be your authentic self.
2. Not preparing mentally.
- Knowing where you are going, who will be there, and knowing what your limits are.
- Know promptly when to start and when to end it to be dependable. Being responsible is what most American singles are looking for…
- Research shows that there is a trait that American singles are looking for in a future spouse. More details are found in the reference attached, but the main preference is that 85% of women and 77% of men are saying that it is “very important” that their future spouse is responsible. In the second place, they say that they are looking for someone who is emotionally stable. (Wang, 2021)
3. Not knowing what the point is.
- Figuring out: What are your intentions? Why are you choosing to go on this date? What are you hoping to get out of it? Talking through expectations ahead of time with your date and going through the options in your head will help you understand where you are coming from, and it’ll be easier to communicate.
4. Communicating in a way that isn’t straightforward.
- How to have fun, be comfortable, and trust each other is what matters. My mom always taught me when dating that I should “never feel that I owe anything to anyone.” (This principle I feel applies more to women than men, sadly. Women sometimes are not treated with the dignity and respect that they ought to be treated with.) It’s a good reminder that you don’t owe anything to anyone! Simply say thank you and don’t feel you need to say or do anything to make up for something to make things, “fair.”
5. Not preparing for what topics you would like to talk about and not talk about.
- Aside from these topics, having a handful of topics that you think would be interesting to talk about would be a good idea to have up your sleeve. I have heard in business books before a businessman chooses to meet up with someone that they always try their best to prepare to do some research on the person they’re meeting with to know what the person likes. Once you figure out what they like and are passionate about, there can be some fun conversations so you aren’t stuck in baseline talk but can go deeper – especially if you find connections to how you can relate to the things they enjoy.
- More tips on communication:
- A trait that I have loved learning over the years comes from Benjamin Franklin. He talks about how he learned to try to live his life in a way where he wouldn’t communicate in an “all or nothing” way. He tried his best to never say, “never” or “always” and instead replaced those words with words like “most of the time”, “sometimes”, etc.
- Along the lines of communication, Brene Brown teaches that you shouldn’t feel that you have to explain yourself if you don’t want to. If you simply want to say that you were late, people shouldn’t expect you to give them an excuse as to why you were late or place blame on certain things. I think it is an important quality to remember that to feel confident we don’t need to explain anything to anyone if we don’t feel it’s necessary. People should be gracious enough to give you the benefit of the doubt. If they do not, then they have some work that needs to be done in their life and hopefully, they aren’t toxic themselves. Most people should just learn to be compassionate with others’ lives. All while holding a certain standard and expectations as I said above.
6. Being too negative or too positive.
- For every 1 negative, you need to say 3-5 positives. John Gottman did specific research on this, and he found that “married couples stayed together when there were only five negatives to one negative ratio. Marriage relationships that were unstable had 0.8 positives to one negative.” (The Gottman Institute, 2022). I heard that especially during the pandemic, the number of negatives to positives increased to people needed more positives. So, this is good to be mindful of. As far as negatives, I sometimes feel that people think they cannot dare say anything that would seem “negative” to not be looked down on by someone else. I think the opposite can be true!
- When you share some negative, sometimes that is where the vulnerability is. Depending on how much vulnerability you want of course! But I think some negativity can show that you’re a real human and you’re relatable. Sometimes being too positive can come off as fake. Things can become awkward when you aren’t trying to be solution-oriented after speaking negatively. I think others want to know that you aren’t a downer and that you are willing to take on things and find a way around the hard points of life.
- Being solution-oriented is saying things like, “Man, today was a hard day. I had a lot of unexpected things come up. However, I know that I will be able to get those things done tonight.” It’s coming up with a solution to your problem or “negative” in your life.
7. Getting physical.
- This is up to you. Know your expectations and what you want. As far as my thoughts on this topic, I believe that if the expectation is to get physical in any way with the person on the first date the focus might be more on our body and emotions. Rather than putting the focus on who the other person is as a person. Their personality, energy type, mannerisms, behaviors…figuring out what the person is really like on the inside. About who they are as a person.
- It is important that you get to know each other. You don’t want to get into the mindset that because you held hands or kissed that now means nothing if you give it away to everyone you date with. Make it special. These events will become memorable and more intimate when you come to decide that you do, indeed, want to become in a steadier relationship with this person.
I know that learning about these tips while I dated helped me so much and I hope that they will spark some thoughts to think about before your next first date so that it will be a success!
First Date Advice References:
Goins-Phillips, & T. (2021). New study sheds light on why so many millennials are still single. Retrieved from https://www.faithwire.com/2021/11/09/new-study-sheds-light-on-why-so-many-millennials-are-still-single/
Wang, W. (2021). Money is not the main reason why americans who desire marriage remain single. Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/money-is-not-the-main-reason-why-americans-who-desire-marriage-remain-single
Benson, K. (2017). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
The Gottman Institute. (2022). Research: Marriage and couples. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/
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This post was updated on April 13, 2023.